Angelina

dear Maniston fans. Stop trying to make THIS *still* a thing. There IS no contest. BYE!

For those of you STILL trying to make this a Team Jen vs. Team Ang thing, we suggest you go re-watch Friends or put Horrible Bosses on loop because that’s about as good as it gets for her. Because Angelina is on some next level shit that can’t be contained within the realm of She With 5 Million RomComs.

Moving on…

Attention, Hollywood!
Attention!

Angelina Jolie, aka The Steeltrap Thundercat©, is back on the market and for those that question how powerful her hiss may still be?

Sit back and take notes.

Somewhere in heaven’s VIP section, Liz Taylor is clutching her jewels, spritzing White Diamonds on the nape of her neck, and cackling, “Show those bitches, Angie!”

Angelina

Liz Taylor, aka Angelina’s guardian angel

Now that she’s sucked all the hot out of Brad, she still has more than enough pimp juice coursing through her veins to lure any man or snatch any woman into her lair. After all, who would turn down her invitation?!

Right!

Angelina

when your wife lets the world know you ain’t ’bout SHIT…

As for Brad Pitt? Well, he may not be as good-looking as before, but there’s still enough left in that tank to scrounge up something, we suppose. This time around, we suggest Brad take on some chocolate goddess because after Angie, he might need to get deliverT!

We suggest ______. (not now! it’s too soon!)

Of course, there are a legion of haters out there that want to see Jolie fail big but they just can’t quite understand that Angie makes panty pudding pucker. Angie makes grown men forget their own names, women wipe back to front, Republicans swipe right. Her intangibles cannot be ignored, so stop hating and get on board. And make no mistake.

Angelina doesn’t take men.
She chooses them.

Angelina

Angie knows you ALL still want it!

Angie understands that she has IT, and when you have IT, you’ve no choice but to spread it around.

There’s a reason she didn’t ask for spousal support. Not because she’s rich on her own but because her snatch game is so tight that age can make the next one pay for everything. The Liz way: what’s mine is mine, what’s yours is mine. Divorce. Bye.

Rinse and repeat.

Angelina

Who will she choose next?

Stay tuned…

Triston
Triston is an American jetset performance artist, writer, event organizer, and activist based in Europe. As a freelance journalist, he has covered both the underground and mainstream aspects of the arts, culture, music, entertainment, travel, fashion and Fashion Week in several cities, including New York, London, Berlin, Istanbul, Sydney, Bangkok, Hong Kong, and Tokyo to name a few. He has been published in The Huffington Post, Trespass (London), Adaras Magazine (Miami) as well as featured in publications such as the New York Times, Vogue Italia, Turkish Huriyet and other on-line and print magazines in the U.S. and internationally. He recently released his memoir on life in Europe, 'Heaux Confessionals'. As a solo performer and with his band $kandal Du$t, he has toured in some of the world's most renowned clubs, simultaneously maintaining an underground renaissance, blurring the lines of all that is traditional and leaving his indelible, and ultimately unforgettable impression. There is no divide.

Brace yourself.


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