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The Cuntversationalist: Mariah, The Tea, & The Sonic Trainwreck


Remember when Mariah Carey was considered one of the poptrixxx of distinction? Remember when Mariah could take her voice and strangle wannabes with it?

Well, it seems those days are over.

So, after reading about how Mariah Carey returned to favour with her New Year’s Eve experience, we had to find proof of this comeback. And after viewing, we return back with a resounding…

Computer says NO.

Of course, compared to last year’s non-performance this would have been better if she had sang even ONE note. But this sonic debacle would have her booted off an American Idol audition and not a single chair on The Voice would have turned around to invite her on a team. Where to begin?


Song selection was the biggest offence. Mariah Carey was a vocal powerhouse 25 years ago. But those days are long gone it seems. ‘Vision of Love’ and ‘Hero’ are not easy songs to sing anyway, and not even the throng of committed chorus could mask the sonic f*ckery of her performance.

As the Queen of Christmas, Mariah Carey only really has to work about 2 months a year to rake in millions, so someone on her team needs to explain why she can’t muster up the energy to REHEARSE for a few weeks beforehand to get ready for the concerts demanded of her during the holiday season?

The best part about this musical mayhem is that since Carey f*cked up big-time last year with her performance, she will be expected to up her game and do something she rarely does live anymore.

Sing live.

An since Mariah is no Britney Spears and prefers to be passed around the stage by her backup dancers like a joint in rotation instead of actually moving, it will be interesting  to see if she sucks it up and actually puts in the work that made her a household name or coasts on past glory.

It’s been over ten years since she made a true comeback with ‘We Belong Together’. But until Mariah realizes that you cannot treat fans like this and expect them to show up, we cannot board this train and impending trainwreck. So, Carey can stop asking for tea, because Verbal SLAPS just delivered the Tetley, Earl Grey, and Luzianne.

Sip liberally, MC!

Triston is an American jetset performance artist, writer, event organizer, and activist based in Europe. As a freelance journalist, he has covered both the underground and mainstream aspects of the arts, culture, music, entertainment, travel, fashion and Fashion Week in several cities, including New York, London, Berlin, Istanbul, Sydney, Bangkok, Hong Kong, and Tokyo to name a few. He has been published in The Huffington Post, Trespass (London), Adaras Magazine (Miami) as well as featured in publications such as the New York Times, Vogue Italia, Washington Post, Turkish Huriyet and other on-line and print magazines in the U.S. and internationally. He recently released his memoir on life in Europe, 'Heaux Confessionals'. As a solo performer and with his band $kandal Du$t, he has toured in some of the world's most renowned clubs, simultaneously maintaining an underground renaissance, blurring the lines of all that is traditional and leaving his indelible, and ultimately unforgettable impression. There is no divide.

Brace yourself.


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