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Blake Shelton

The Cuntspiracy: People Magazine, Blake Shelton & The Curious Case Of Kickbacks

Blake Shleton

People magazine has done it again!

What in the absolute PR absurdity/f*ckery is THIS?!

Who did Gwen Stefani pay under the table for this to occur?!

You KNOW the world is ending when country ass bumpkins are gracing the cover of magazines as sex symbols. Someone strap us down with hay and beat us, because we demand a recount, the receipts, and a filibuster for this f*ckery!

Before we question them with WHO, HOW, and WHY, the magazine is allegedly about to unveil its latest Sexiest Man Alive as none other than barnyard gar animal Blake Shelton as the chosen one. Excuse us while we give the Bible Belt the side eye.

Blake Shelton

Lisa Bonet needs to call People magazine and cuss them the f*ck OUT. We hope she’s packing heat when she busts into the editor’s offices to!

Since when was merely having your family tree fork throw you into contention as Sexiest Man Alive?

What the *entire* F*CK?!

Blake Shelton may be the biggest thing in country music, but when this title is not about country music. This title is (allegedly) about hotness, and while Blake Shelton wasn’t beaten with the ugly stick, he certainly isn’t worthy of this title.

Sorry, Gwen.

Blake Shelton

So, our theory is that Jason Momoa has to wait until the debut of Aquaman before he gets the deserved title of Sexiest Man Alive. In the meantime?

This is all yours, middle America.

Dig in!

We gueeeeeeeeess.

Triston is an American jetset performance artist, writer, event organizer, and activist based in Europe. As a freelance journalist, he has covered both the underground and mainstream aspects of the arts, culture, music, entertainment, travel, fashion and Fashion Week in several cities, including New York, London, Berlin, Istanbul, Sydney, Bangkok, Hong Kong, and Tokyo to name a few. He has been published in The Huffington Post, Trespass (London), Adaras Magazine (Miami) as well as featured in publications such as the New York Times, Vogue Italia, Washington Post, Turkish Huriyet and other on-line and print magazines in the U.S. and internationally. He recently released his memoir on life in Europe, 'Heaux Confessionals'. As a solo performer and with his band $kandal Du$t, he has toured in some of the world's most renowned clubs, simultaneously maintaining an underground renaissance, blurring the lines of all that is traditional and leaving his indelible, and ultimately unforgettable impression. There is no divide.

Brace yourself.


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