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the fashion police should be handing out CITATIONS galore. Cue assassination theme music!

 

 

Chinese Whispers…

 

The theme this year should have been ‘Chinese Vapors’ because after looking through these attempts at fashion, you are lucky if you can still stand on your own two feet. And like these stars that have been pushed in front of us? Many of them should have had…

 

SEVERAL SEATS.

 

You KNOW it is Armageddon time when Kim Kardashian is wearing more fabric than 4-5 trip COMBINED!

 

Before we even get into it, we let everyone know that was the theme going in, which many stars ignored or attempted to adhere to, for better or worse.

 

Some stars have style and class and taste no matter the occasion….

 

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Jane Fonda – a cougar with class that can STILL get it

And then there are others that read between the lines, SNORT them, turn to their stylist and scream…

 

“Spare NO expense. Make me look like the long-lost child of Kris Jenner and OJ Simpson recently discovered on the corner of Hollywood and Vine!”

 

(Sorry, Khloe!)

 

Khloe Kardashian Fat Pig Whale Ugly Tranny Man Weight Ass Legs Sister Tall Kim Rich No Make Up

Khloe Kardashian: a famewhore in her natural state

While other sites run and post their coverage almost immediately, at Verbal SLAPS we need more time because this is a lot of visual f*ckery to take in and we need about 36 hours and a few dranks!

 

But we are here for you, mainly to keep you from the type of sartorial f*ckery we had to endure and endure and endure.

 

Shot, bartender!!!!

 

Best Dressed

 

Kate Hudson in Michael Kors

 

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finally, Goldie Hawn will applaud her progeny, who has upped her style game in a big way

Since purchasing her new and spectacular, glorious tittyballs©, Kate Hudson has truly maximized them and upped her style game! Perhaps her mother Goldie took her aside, shook some fashion sense into her and then released her to the red carpets? Whatever occurred, it means a winning moment for her this Met, so we ain’t mad at her!

 

Kerry Washington in Prada

 

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ain’t no ‘Scandal’ here, but it still looks gooooooood

In between Beyonce’s cosmic streetwalker look and Rihanna trickery train deluxe, actress Kerry Washington fell squarely in the middle in this Prada gown that screamed ‘Cinderella is black?!” The answer was…

 

Why the f*ck NOT?

 

 

Lily Aldridge in Carolina Herrera

 

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say her name? No one even KNEW it! Until…NOW!

 

We honestly don’t even know who this trick is, but that’s OK. Because after this past weekend, she will insist that we spell her name right!

 

Lily Aldridge has just made the leap to the big leagues with this Carolina Herrera number and even Beyonce wanted to steal her look, claim it was her original idea, and not pay for copyright infringement, but alas, NO.

 

Lily for the win!

 

 

Rihanna in Guo Pei

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and then Rihanna turned to the left, to the left, smirked, and decided to make ALL them bitches B-U-R-N

 

 

Last, but certainly not least was Best Dressed recipient for our list, Rihanna, who showed that glamor did not miss her damn house this year and in fact?

It ran a train on her!

 

But fret not because she had four men standing next to her to pick that train UP as she walked that carpet as the hatred spilled into the streets! As one of the biggest poptrixxx of her era, she left nothing to chance and although she is known more for her style than her pipes these days, at least?

 

They WILL remember!

 

 

The other starlets and alleged queens were all playing a deadly game of assassination as Rih-Rih hovered heavenly above the fray for the first time.

 

And as Rihanna sauntered up those steps, she re-told the tale: YELLOW, not RED is the color of envy, and she even had her own theme music, courtesy of Trina, The Baddest Bitch…

 

THIS is the theme song to play for true sartorial inspiration. Take notes, Heauxz!

 

Amal Clooney in Maison Margiela

 

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George’s Great Piece let those famewhores KNOW: a NEW baddest bitch is on the come up!

George Clooney probably tried to talk Amal into displaying her clitscuits© on the red carpet, but as a woman of refinement knows: save your nether-region for the boudoir!

 

Amal Clooney has been a fixture on the red carpets for only a hot minute, but already celebrity women are trying to drive her ass into a closet and lock the door. But every time they attempt that, she comes out that muthafucka kicking and swinging in epic sartorial majesty!

 

Mrs. Clooney made all those wanna be prostitots and the REAL famewhores (cough: Kim Kardashian) check their dresses THRICE when she sashayed down with the best accessory in town: a goodlooking man in George Clooney.

 

We have forgotten ALL about her husband, but we are really loving to get to know La Clooney.

 

And now on to what you all have been waiting for, because not everyone can be a winner, after all!

 

WORST DRESSED

Katy Perry in Jeremy Scott

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Katy should have sprayed the photographer’s lens before he got proof of this visual SINsation

 

Katy Perry is a millionaire. Remind yourself of that fact while we tear this raggedy ass ‘concept dress’ go far off-kilter.

 

Perry must be waiting for her tax return refund to buy the ‘real dress’, because this ‘spray-paint-by-numbers’ dress is doing no one any favors.

 

Miley Cyrus in Alexander Wang

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Miley thought she was turning it OUT. Little did she know…

 

The theme was ‘Chinese Whispers’, not ‘Chinese Mamasans’. And judging by Miley’s dress, the R.I.D. (Rent Is Due) dress has not been banned from The Met as previously assumed. In this dress, it is not necessary to take it off to get it on. Just shift it to the side and then stick it in, potential johns…

 

That’s called trailer park fashion at its finest.

 

Chloe Sevigny in J.W. Anderson

 

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had the theme been ‘milkmaid porn star couture’, Chloe would have been a lock for best dressed

Designers, take heed. NEVER ever ever ever ever let Chloe wear your clothes on a red carpet ANYWHERE in the globe. NO good can come from it.

 

Ever.

 

That is all.

 

 

Katie Holmes in Zac Posen

 

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Katie looks ready to flee the scene at any moment. Calm down, no Thetans are there, Katebot!

 

Is Katie Holmes still in the Ex-Scientologist Witness Protection Program? How else to explain this wig and this dress that makes her look older than her mama?

 

Don’t worry, KateBot. Tom will walk right past you on the way to the bathhouse.

 

 

Kris Jenner in Balmain

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Kim Kardashian, this is your future! Make that present.

 

On one hand, we congratulate Kris Jenner for wearing more clothes than her entire family COMBINED ever has. But?

 

This drape dress is actually the curtains she uses to cover her daughters when the cops drive around their corner. Don’t believe us?

 

How much would you bet that Kylie is in an alley right now chattering her teeth with budity?

 

 

Honorable Mention

 

FKA Twigs

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other poptrixxx show the clitscuits© while FKA goes directly to the peen

In a dress that let Kristen Stewart – and everyone else – know that the world needs dick in their life, FKA Twigs decided to put the cock on her frock as she sashayed down the red carpet with Robert Pattinson, who was de-glittered by her dick dress.

 

We just hope Ryan Seacrest didn’t get on his knees and try to suck off her couture.

 

Or maybe if FKA rubs her dress up against Beyonce’s, it will birth baby #2.

 

Green Willy?!

 

Beyonce

 

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Bey put her poon on the carpet, and her tittyballs to the wall. ClASS-y.

 

 

And last but certainly not f*cking least…

 

Vanessa Bell Calloway tried to take credit for this sartorial f*ckery, and while we applaud her attempt for some head(lines), we remind Vanessa…

 

 

‘Coming to America’ where Vanessa wore it better!

 

 

 

WRONG country, Vanessa!

 

But maybe Bey doesn’t know where Africa IS on a map before she decided on this little ditty of visual disease?

 

If this dress had been on anyone else, it would have been a game changer, but when you are the game, at the end of the day?

 

This dress and Beyonce, got played!

 

While J.Lo silently cried in a corner as her headlines got stifled as her cakes just don’t seem to bring all the boys to the yard anymore, there was an ass-off brewin’ on the red carpet.

 

Enter THOTress of the Universe, Kim Kardashian.

Enter ‘Where is Baltimore?” Beyonce

Exit ‘To Pimp Tidal or Not, Jay-Z?’ Kuntye.

 

 

We never thought we’d see the day when Beyonce would stoop so low to the ground as to be on the same eye-level as a c*ck-sucking Kardashian to even be challenged to an ass-off, but apparently Bey lost a bet and had to basically put all her cheeks on the carpet. And just think…

 

We almost saw the drapes too.

 

Givenchy is arguably one of the go-to designers of our time, so when Beyonce approached him, had she just watched a few minutes of Showgirls? Was this her inspiration? Because quite honestly?

 

 

As usual, Kimmy K’s dress left little to the imagination, because that would require W-O-R-K, something her legion of THOTty fans have no intention of doing so she made the assistants do it all for them. Taking a small feather, she had her assistants hurl it into a woodchipper and JUST at the point of total de-construction, she had it stretched to fit over her 17 asses, making a remarkable dress that can take you from The Met Gala, all the way…

 

to the corner.

 

 

And then Beyonce was forced to wear the dress Kylie wanted to wear this year, but The Met has a strict policy against underage prostitots.

 

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watch out, because THOTina is hitting The Met in 2016!

Sorry, Tyga. Maybe next year.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Triston

Triston is an American jetset performance artist, writer, event organizer, and activist based in Europe. As a freelance journalist, he has covered both the underground and mainstream aspects of the arts, culture, music, entertainment, travel, fashion and Fashion Week in several cities, including New York, London, Berlin, Istanbul, Sydney, Bangkok, Hong Kong, and Tokyo to name a few. He has been published in The Huffington Post, Trespass (London), Adaras Magazine (Miami) as well as featured in publications such as the New York Times, Vogue Italia, Turkish Huriyet and other on-line and print magazines in the U.S. and internationally. He recently released his memoir on life in Europe, ‘Heaux Confessionals’. As a solo performer and with his band $kandal Du$t, he has toured in some of the world’s most renowned clubs, simultaneously maintaining an underground renaissance, blurring the lines of all that is traditional and leaving his indelible, and ultimately unforgettable impression. There is no divide.


Brace yourself.


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