The SLAP-YA’s: 5th Annual Verbal SLAPS Of The Year Awards

In 2018, the world of entertainment and incessant f*ckery reigned supreme so without further adieu, we remember the people, places, and verbal slaps that made us gawk, made us pray for our spawn (if we had any), and made us remember that 2019 will be just more of the same shit, different year. So if you forgot a few things, join the club because we did too. But we know how to Google sh*t!

Allow us to re-UNfresh your memory…

The Box Office Beatdown Award: Black Panther

Wakanda Forever, b*tches!

The world has been culturally appropriating black culture for forever and a day, so we knew when you amassed some of the biggest and most beloved black celebrities all in one movie, with a good script, and a big budget, not only would sparks fly, but records and receipts would obliterate the competition!

That’s just what happened and as (white) Hollywood continues to try to breakdown HOW this happened, we are already sitting back and waiting to see how they spin off this juggernaut to make even more billions. We are all for a Dora Milaje spin-off. How about YOU?

The Elven Magic Award: Ariana Grande

The littlest diva that could didn’t let a little thing like a bombing bring her down in 2018. Instead, this poptrick snagged her first #1 single right after hurling exes Mac Miller and Pete Davidson to the curb. Maybe the biggest things do come in small, ponytailed packages.

Take that, Mariah!

The Royal Come-Up: Meghan Markle 

Princess Meghan snatched up a ginger, re-introduced Britain to African-American greatness, and secured the bag with the announcement of a child that is sure to be less inbred than the previous generation. 

The Keeping Up With The Cultural Appropriation Award: Kylie Jenner

She stole our lips, our glorious ass and tittyballs, then capped it off by releasing interracial spawn via baby daddy Travis Scott. Who cares if Kylie is fast to becoming a billionaire? She is forever…irrelevant!

Next!

The Idris Elba Award

You need a reason?!

Most Likely To Die: Roseanne Barr

It’s not getting killed off her own damn sitcom that Roseanne has to be worried about. She needs to be more concerned about the people of color that are prepared to whoop her ass in a parking lot if she makes one more racist statement. 

And just in case you were wondering?

We are not watching ‘The Connors’ either. 

Bye!

The Pudding POPPED Award: Bill Cosby

Sure, PuddingPopGate sent us all running from fridges everywhere, but can we still watch The Cosby Show and not feel guilty?!

The Belle of the Ballroom Award: Pose

Ryan Murphy did it again with his hit television show ‘Pose’, which captures the essence of the underground scene during the early days of hip hop and ballroom culture. En vogue, and on time!

The Queen Of Hip Hop Award: Cardi B

We are ready for the detractors to come for us, but once we show the receipts, you might have to re-seat yourself. If you haven’t heard, it’s Cardi’s world and we are just a captive audience waiting for the next shoe to drop.

Or fly. 

Suck it, Nicki.

That IS all.

The #HOTUS Award: Melania Trump

Melania Trump, contrary to popular opinion, is NOT in fact, winning. 

Sure, she got her family over here via chain migration and her freshly snatched face has added a few more years to her ‘contract’, but at the end of the day?

#BeBest = #Mediocre.

We cannot wait for her bestselling book, ‘Becoming Michelle Obama TOO’

The THOTS, Fired Award: Nicki Minaj

In 2018, Nicki had so much beef with so many people, even her fans secretly hoped she’d sit her asses down and have a 2-piece and a biscuit and skip the cow altogether. Now that she is allegedly shacking up with a man with a rap sheet longer than her lace-front, we expect more of the same in 2019.

The Upwardly Heaux-bile Award: Priyanka Chopra

This year’s Heaux Up or Blow Up winner is none other than Miss Chopra. She descended upon Hollywood only a few years ago, but if ever anyone needs to write a book on how to socially climb in the new La La Land, Chopra has a book in the making. By marrying a Jonas Brother, she extends her fame well beyond the 15 minute mark now. 

The Part-Time Feminist/Full-Time F*ckery Award: Julie Chen

Julie Chen was all about The Talk until?

The topic of the year sashayed up her driveway, knocked on the door, and slapped her with receipt after receipt concerning her husband and former CEO head HOncho, Les Moonves.

You mean to tell us that Julie Chen can get on television live each year and tell us who is clicking’ and trickin’ on Big Brother, but ain’t got nothing to say about her man?

Even Tammy Wynette is giving Julie serious side-eye and we will have to file away with those other alleged feminists.

Girl, BYE!

Biggest Coon of the Year: Kanye West

In stiff competition this year, Koonye came out on top with his incessant, ignorant rants that made Omarosa and Stacey Dash even blush

Triston

XADES Multimedia

Triston is an American jetset performance artist, writer, event organizer, and activist based in Europe. As a freelance journalist, he has covered both the underground and mainstream aspects of the arts, culture, music, entertainment, travel, fashion and Fashion Week in several cities, including New York, London, Berlin, Istanbul, Sydney, Bangkok, Hong Kong, and Tokyo to name a few. He has been published in The Huffington Post, Trespass (London), Adaras Magazine (Miami) as well as featured in publications such as the New York Times, Vogue Italia, Washington Post, Turkish Huriyet and other on-line and print magazines in the U.S. and internationally. He recently released his memoir on life in Europe, 'Heaux Confessionals'. As a solo performer and with his band $kandal Du$t, he has toured in some of the world's most renowned clubs, simultaneously maintaining an underground renaissance, blurring the lines of all that is traditional and leaving his indelible, and ultimately unforgettable impression. There is no divide.

Brace yourself.


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