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The SLAP-Ya’s – 6th Annual Verbal SLAPS of the Year Awards (part 3)

In 2019, the hits – and especially the misses – came at us fast and furious, and we are the type of muthaf*ckas that like to dip and duck with the best of them. From the asinine to the atrocious, we saw more than our fair share of celebrity f*ckery, but yet and still?

We remained steadfast and unmovable in bringing you the best of the best. In part 3, we cover who had us screaming, “What, b*tch, WHAT?!”

Carrying on after janked up Jussie, we have here…

The Good Morning, GoodBYE Award: Matt Lauer

The best part of waking up won’t be Matt Lauer any longer! The TV anchor of the popular Today show got the boot after his predilections for skankin’ up his co-workers rose to the surface. Not only will he touch yo’ tittyballs in the morning, he might stick something in your no-no holes!

Thanks in part to Ronan Farrow’s investigative efforts, the anchor got busted, charged with rape and other sexual harassment claims that led to divorce from his wife Annette Roque. Somewhere, Ann Curry is kiki-in’ in a corner!

The Trick Can’t Committ Award: Miley Cyrus

In further proof that you can’t turn a ho into a housewife (especially when it’s not even a house, but a double wide, Liam Hemsworth’s on-again/off-again romance hit the skids for good this time. But before it did, Miley made him put a ring on it before leaving the youngest Hemsworth for her the lady pond after less than a year. No one is surprised they quit that b*tch called marriage, and to make matters even more tabloid worthy? Miley left Liam for Brody Jenner’s ex Kaitlynn Carter’s clitscuits.

Talk about trailer trash divorce!

Chiiiiiiile!

The Family Feud Award: Megan Mullally & Debra Messing

Or as we have always referred to the show, Jack & Karen. No one saw this feud coming, but for most of 2019, reports were that the two were not speaking to one another. Things got even more icy when they unfollowed one another on Instagram and then Mullally issued a “b*tch you don’t know me”-esque post on her social media. We guess they don’t need the checks too badly, because their feud is to blame for Will & Grace finally ending sooner than expected after rebooting to initial ratings success.

The I’m Coming Out Award (But No One Cares) Award: Julianne Hough

The something (because we are not exactly sure what it is that she actually DOES) came out as not straight – AFTER marrying her husband, NHL player Brooks Laich. While they continue to be married, the world wants to know when her brother Derek Hough is going to join her and come out of his closet.

The Pop Trick Pop-Off Award: Normani

Usually, when a girl group loses a member, it doesn’t work out all that well. But Normani, formerly of Fifth Harmony, proved the doubters wrong this year, capping off a stellar 2019 with the track Motivation and a performance at the VMA’s that nearly snatched Beyonce’s lacefront.

Yeah, we said it!

The You Betta Recognize Award: Missy Elliott

She may have been gone for a hot minute, but the Queen of Hip Hop came back in 2019 with a vengeance, with an album that delivered all the bells and whistles she is known for. Not only was it on point, but each track was hotter than fish grease at a Louisiana cookout.

Bet!

Triston
Triston is an American jetset performance artist, writer, event organizer, and activist based in Europe. As a freelance journalist, he has covered both the underground and mainstream aspects of the arts, culture, music, entertainment, travel, fashion and Fashion Week in several cities, including New York, London, Berlin, Istanbul, Sydney, Bangkok, Hong Kong, and Tokyo to name a few. He has been published in The Huffington Post, Trespass (London), Adaras Magazine (Miami) as well as featured in publications such as the New York Times, Vogue Italia, Washington Post, Turkish Huriyet and other on-line and print magazines in the U.S. and internationally. He recently released his memoir on life in Europe, 'Heaux Confessionals'. As a solo performer and with his band $kandal Du$t, he has toured in some of the world's most renowned clubs, simultaneously maintaining an underground renaissance, blurring the lines of all that is traditional and leaving his indelible, and ultimately unforgettable impression. There is no divide.

Brace yourself.


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