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when Becky cries, everyone listens

The Cuntspiracy: Maria ‘Beckarova’ Can Have Several Seats

Dear Maria Beckarova:

Calm down, Sista Saltine.

Just calm down for one hot minute!

No one ever said you weren’t a champion. No one ever said you weren’t a great tennis player. No one ever said you were not capable of great tennis.


You are nowhere near the greatest. We could name several players both past, present, and possibly future that have won or will win more major titles than you.

You are nowhere near the greatest of even YOUR generation. Don’t make us bring out the receipts and rank your ass.

You are a doper, a cheat, tried and CONVICTED.

How about that for receipts, Becky Crimea-River?

And now, you have the audacity to release this book that was also probably a cheat as well, since it was probably ghostwritten and you were asked to throw in a few raggedy, borderline, if not outright racist comments to sell a few? Exhibit A, from the book Unstoppable:

“First of all her physical presence is much stronger and bigger than you realize watching TV. She has thick arms and thick legs and is so intimidating and strong. It’s the whole thing—her presence, her confidence, her personality.”

funny that Maria mentions Serena’s body, since that is the current body-type #Beckys worldwide are buying en masse…

Now, now, Maria Po-Po. You may be Russian, but you were raised right here in the great United States of America, so you should be well aware that that sentence, the way it will be read, comes across as quite racist in tone. But, you know, does #Becky ever care about the hows and whys of her tears?


She just f*ckin’ cries and wants everyone to get HER side of the ordeal.

Well, we have news for you Maria.

Your crocodile tears are a crock of shit.

Let’s cut to the tape, shall we?

someone explain to us how THIS is a rivalry?!

So you beat Serena early in your career to win Wimbledon. Hell, anybody can have an off-day, even Superwoman! But what, pray tell, have you really done since then? 

Of course, you won a few more titles. Yes, you did! Go, #Becky. But was there ever a true rivalry between you and Serena? Was there this great contest for years and years similar to Navratilova and Evert during the 70s, 80s, 90s?

Love how the media attempts to paint this as a rivalry when the very word is defined as the exact opposite of what has occurred:

Serena thoroughly beating her ass on court decisively for well over a decade.

And do you think the press would have been as forgiving if Williams had taken illegal drugs during her career?

Computer says NO.

The word rivalry would indicate that there is no clear winner and that it tethers back and forth between two entities. That is NOT the case here.

Serena Williams is THE greatest tennis player of all time, male OR female. Serena Williams is the greatest athlete of all time, male or female. So for Maria Sharapova to not accept that, congratulate her, and bow down with grace in the face of all these Grand Slams?

Shame on you.

For Maria to not admit that she just isn’t as good and has to step aside for someone greater and better than her?


one of these women is the GOAT. The rest are #Beckys

But, if you are a person of color, you know why Maria is crying. Maria is crying because she cannot – for the life of her – fathom that a black girl could just show up and beat her and other white girls to a pulp in THEIR sport for two decades.

So, Maria let the media and corporations herald her as the return of tennis to white people with her ONE win *all* the way back in the mid-2000s. They built her ass up so quickly and so confidently that even Maria herself thought she could actually sustain the fake title as the new queen of tennis that they threw around her ringlets of blonde hair.

How wrong they were.

Sure, Maria and her white face were easier to market to racists and other ‘purists’ who were not ready to relinquish yet another sport to people of color. So, of course she made millions upon millions more in endorsements than black and proud Serena. But at the end of the day, endorsement deals do not equate to titles. So, just like Sabatini and Kournikova before her, Maria has won just enough to get in the spotlight and make that dough. But the true respect of the greats as an all-around champion?

Not so fast.

dear #wypipo: with Keys and Stephens wining majors now? Say goodbye to your tennis TOO

And, let us note that Sabatini and Kournikova, for however inferior their careers may have been in comparison to Maria’s, at least they never tested positive for drugs. At least they never resorted to cheating to win. At least they never had to hope that the white tennis world would by and large ignore all the dirty practices undertaken to win titles. And for anyone that wonders why Maria has been able to win those long 3-set matches when most female tennis players wilt. NOW they know why. It’s easy to stay out there on the field when you’re pumped full of ‘roids. And for those that believe that poor little rich girl Maria didn’t know what was in her system all those years?

Bye, #Becky

Re-name this book to what it really should be called: Unable

Triston is an American jetset performance artist, writer, event organizer, and activist based in Europe. As a freelance journalist, he has covered both the underground and mainstream aspects of the arts, culture, music, entertainment, travel, fashion and Fashion Week in several cities, including New York, London, Berlin, Istanbul, Sydney, Bangkok, Hong Kong, and Tokyo to name a few. He has been published in The Huffington Post, Trespass (London), Adaras Magazine (Miami) as well as featured in publications such as the New York Times, Vogue Italia, Washington Post, Turkish Huriyet and other on-line and print magazines in the U.S. and internationally. He recently released his memoir on life in Europe, 'Heaux Confessionals'. As a solo performer and with his band $kandal Du$t, he has toured in some of the world's most renowned clubs, simultaneously maintaining an underground renaissance, blurring the lines of all that is traditional and leaving his indelible, and ultimately unforgettable impression. There is no divide.

Brace yourself.


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