In 2016, the world of celebrity and scandal collided time and time and time again, making it the ultimate year in extreme f*ckery. From comebacks to pregnancies, meltdowns to epic divorces, this year will be remembered as one that almost no one will want to revisit. So, let’s get through this muthaf*cka once and for all!
Queen of the Poptrixxx: Beyonce
After Adele took the world by storm with her last album released, Queen Bey snatched it back with not only hit tracks but a message in her music that had Beckys across the globe wondering if she had forgotten about her white fans. The answer was simple: “No, Becky. Now sip this goddamn lemonade!” And boy, was it good to the very last drop!
MVP (Most Valuable Puppet) Award: Rob Kardashian
Now WE all know he ain’t ‘bout shit, but Blac Chyna, clearly on a mission, took the Kardashian’s least pimpable family member and found a way to not only shank some serious poundage off of him (at least temporarily), but also prove that she is the worthy heiress to the Kardashian so-called legacy and their namesake via Dream Kardashian. Take THAT and THAT and THAT, famewhores!
Tattletale of the Year: Nick Young
This story got so much attention this year because of how odd it was. Los Angeles Lakers player Nick Young and rapper Iggy Azalea had been dating since 2013 and got engaged two years later. But in March, Young was caught on video admitting to cheating on his fiancée. And the person who secretly recorded that admission was none other than his own Lakers teammate D’Angelo Russell.
Despite the leaked video evidence that Swaggy P was unfaithful, Azalea stuck by her man until she herself saw him on surveillance footage entering their home with other women while she was away.
Upwardly Heaux-bile Award: Melania Trump, aka #HOTUS
Melania must have been on her knees a bit longer than necessary when she prayed for a come-up as a little girl growing up in Slovenia. Fast forward to 2016 and now Melania has a penthouse, a White House, and a possibly two new daughters if you wait for her next speech. Since a woman of her questionable past can never truly be a FLOTUS, we dub Melania now until her stint is over in the White House as HOTUS.
We’re not looking for approval.
Cuntversation of the Year Award: Sean Penn
Not only did the year end with Sean Penn known as an acclaimed actor, but also the best middleman in the game, securing an interview with the notorious El Chapo. Did Penn just prove that he is willing to do whatever it takes for the ultimate line?! If you’ve got good blow, The Penn is gonna find ya!
Cell Block Bitch Award: OJ Simpson
Sure, he’s been in jail forever and a day, but apparently, being behind bars can work wonders on your name recognition! In 2016, Orenthal scored not one, but two shows that dissected his life from bottom to top and ended up adding a dash of humanity to the crazy. Does that mean anyone wants him out of prison though?
Computer says NO!
The ‘Have Several Seats’ Award: Candance Cameron-Bure
After voting for Donald Trump and receiving verbal slap after verbal slap on The View, the former child star abruptly quick the talk show and ran back to what she knows (and only knows) best: Fuller House on Netflix. Word of advice, Cameron?
Keep your Republican ass off our screens!
Best in Show: ‘Stranger Things’
Netflix did it again, proving itself a home for fading actors that still need a check and a shot at relevance.
Yes, Winona Ryder, we mean you.