The Miss Miss Award: Tiffany Trump
No matter what she tried to do, she was always the Marcia Brady in her family. When your daddy clearly only has enough money in the trust fund to treat one daughter to an all-expense paid plastic surgery facial overhaul, it might be time to release a tell-all and collect the funds you deserve. With Papa Trump set to become the 45th President of the United States, it is only a matter of time before her face morphs into one that would be right at home on the side of a milk carton.
The Don’t Call It a Comeback Award: Solange Knowles
As the younger sister of Beyonce, she easily could have become a footnote in music history, but by defying the odds and delivering great tracks, Solange is now a household name in her own right. There appears to be two thrones in this family!
The Fratboy of F*ckery Award: Ryan Lochte
From the raggedy dyed hair to the lies to Dancing with the Stars to fatherhood, the only thing Ryan Locate solidified in 2016 was the notion that white privilege is not a figment of anyone’s imagination.
Top Of The Poptrixxx: Selena Gomez
No one would necessarily call her a famewhore, but Miss Gomez quietly but quickly gained traction on social media, dominating Instagram in ways that true famewhores such as the Kardashians, Jenners, and Madonna could only imagine.
The Little App That Could: BANG
Bringing ‘Netflix & chill’ to a new level, the ever-so-subtly-named Bang app synced users’ Tinder, Uber and Netflix accounts and made finding casual sex easier than placing a Seamless order. Swipe right on a user who’s also liked your profile and an Uber is immediately sent to your location to bring you to your match’s apartment. There, you can browse an automatically-generated Netflix category of your mutual entertainment interests. Pick a show or movie, and, um, you know the rest.
Cuntspiracist of the Year Award – Donald Trump
Just so we’re clear, the next President of the United States will be this orange-faced bastard, but we refuse to EVER call him that. Between his lies, his pussy grabs, and his family of f*ckery, there’s so much to say that we won’t say much at all.
Celebrity Couple Crumble: T.I. & Tiny
We’ve been seeing this one coming for so long that we were actually shocked at their current status of recently babything’ed and boo’ed up! But how quickly the cookie crumbles and now, Tiny is filing papers again and yet again seen getting cozy with Floyd Mayweather. These two just need to split and STAY split throughout 2017.
Maybe that midget love is something extra?!
But we have a feeling she ain’t goin’ nowhere!
Divorce of the Year: Brangelina
12 years, 6 kids, and half a billion of dollars between them? When The Steeltrap Thundercat decides to leave you, the entire world is watching/waiting/sniffing. We all know Brad doesn’t stand a chance in the world against Angelina, but we hope he makes it out of her web in one piece.
The Biggest Loser Award: Hillary Clinton
With 2.9 million more popular votes than Agent Orange (and counting), we would forgive her if she turned to a life of boozing and drugs as a 70-year old.
Becky of the Year: Amy Schumer
In a tight race that included a plethora of UNwoke white women angling for more headlines, comedian Amy Schumer outshone them all, ending the year with the announcement that she was awarded the title role in an upcoming movie about Barbie. Let that marinate for a hot minute before you regurgitate it.
Somewhere, Tonya Harding and Miss Piggy are pissed beyond repair.
Serial Killer of the Year Award: 2016
In a year that saw a slew of Hollywood greats kick the big one, 2016 will go down as the year that claimed great after great, yet left the world with Kardashians, Jenners, and other forms of bargain basement mediocrity. When Hannibal Lecter and Pennywise won’t even come out and play with you, that is all the reason to know for sure that you are a bad muthafucka.
But in closing? We have this to say to 2016…