In 2017, the world of celebrity and f*ckery yet gain went hand in hand, so without further adieu, we remember the incidents and verbal slaps that made us laugh, made us pray for our sons and daughters, and made us remember that 2016 will be just more of the same shit, different year. So if you forgot a few things?
Allow us to re-UNfresh your memory…
Queen of the Poptrixxx: Adele
Instead of debuting new music, Beyonce debuted new children towards the end of 2017, which means that Adele had to pick up the slack and snatch all the Grammys instead. As Rihanna, Madonna, Miley, and Christina cried in a corner, Adele added more Grammys to her closet and more shade to her backside in 5,4,3,2…
The ‘Have Several Seats’ Award: Kendall Jenner
You’d think that she would be more evolved considering how many black people orbit around the family, but it seems that the Kardashian-Jenners don’t have a clue as to how to ascertain whether or not a message is slightly f*ckerized. If you let Kendull tell it, a can of Pepsi can help solve the #BlackLivesMatter movement.
Famewhore Foibles Award: Kathy Griffin
She’s been known for chasing after stars whether they’re ready or not, but after going after The Donald after he won the presidential election, not only was the Secret Service and CIA after her, but so was her former BFF Anderson Cooper, who dropped her with the quickness once she dared to oppose Agent Orange and his minions. Will she survive 2018 and return to her former strawberry shady days?
The King of Denial of Award – R. Kelly
He has been dogged by allegations of child touching for over 20 years, but nothing seems to stop the R. Kelly train from rolling right over teenage girls, their incensed parents, and accumulating accusations. But, as usual, Kelly simply releases another denial and went on tour.
Parents of daughters in the Chicago area better invest in a few chastity belts for summer 2018.
Celebrity Couple Crumble: Chris Pratt/Anna Faris vs. Robert Pattinson/FKA Twigs
She upgrades him, then he leaves her? Surely we have seen this time and time again in Hollywood, with the latest casualties none other than Chris Pratt and Anna Faris, who together were one of Hollywood’s cutest couples. And we may not have liked Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson together, but his pairing with FKA Twigs was cute…
for that hot minute.
Best in Show: ‘Insecure’
For that episode alone, Issa Rae and her show are the most consistently funny thing on television right now. And if you don’t know what that episode is, then no cool points for you!
Honorable Mentions: Black-ish, The Handmaid’s Tale, Game of Thrones
Best Return: Bette Midler on Broadway
She came, they went.
Again, and again, and again.
They even tried to pry her off the stage when she kept #winning, but she refused!
The Divine Miss M returned to Broadway in a big way, breaking box office records and snatching one of them there Tonys in the process. If you didn’t know where to find her, then you don’t know sh*t about GPS and the Great White Way.
Festival F*ckery of the Year – Fyre Festival
It was advertised as the next coming of Coachella, but the Fyre Festival made waves for far more sinister reasons. Maybe it should have been a sign that Kendall Jenner and Bella Hadid were called upon as ambassadors for the festival, which promised to be an exclusive retreat for beauty and beats to converge. Instead, those in attendance had to shell out $12,000 for stale sandwiches, bad weather, and a sh*tload of schadenfreude.
Burning Man is looking better and better.
Box Office F*ckery – mother!
It was difficult this year to narrow down the field of celluloid trash, but if we had to whittle down the field, we have to note that mother!, the movie that had us running to the box office for a refund, was the first movie where we wanted Jennifer Lawrence to die a long, hard death.
Thank GOD Michelle Pfeiffer was on hand to appease us.
The Crackie of Camden Award – Aaron Carter
No one could pull off sex, drugs, rock & roll quite like Amy Winehouse, and if she were still alive, she would scrape the residue off her knees, shake her wig, walk out on to her front porch and bestow this year’s trophy on none other than Aaron Carter, who survived bulimia, bisexuality, and and basically being the younger forgotten and far less talented brother of Backstreet Boy Nick Carter. Instead of dying from a weed overdose, the alleged singer has now eaten something and is set to release a new album in 2018.
That fan is gonna be excited with this news.
Best Film of the Year: ‘Get Out’
Placing it in the ‘Best Comedy’ entry of any awards competition is sheer f*ckery because if this movie did not have you side-eyeing every white girl in your immediate circle, then nothing will.
Silently Winning Award – Meghan Markle
It wasn’t until Prince Harry got on his knees and asked for her hand in marriage that Meghan Markle began making waves. But, truth be told? Markle has only moved onward and upward since coming on the scene only a few years ago. Sure, no one remembers her days as a hostess or barely her stint on Suits, but does any of that matter now that she has gotten royalty to put a ring on it?
Hell to the NO!
The House of Windsor, for the most part, is about to be live and in COLOR!
Famewhore of the Year – Anthony Scaramucci
It’s a testament to his motor mouth and penchant for bombasticity that ensures you remember his name, and with a nickname like ‘The Mooch’, you should expect no less.
Although he only lasted a week and change in Trump’s administration, Scaramucci immediately began shaking his moneymaker like a 2-dollar trick in a 5-dollar alley before he had even washed off all the tangerine-hued cosmetics smudging all his Wall Street business suits. Promises of television shows, power positions, and revelations are promised just around the corner. Get ready, America, because we have not seen the last of this Italian mafioso on steroids.
AssASSination of the Year – Alex Rodriguez
After finally being dubbed ‘J-Rod’, Jennifer Lopez confirms what we’re all thinking: that her ass is kryptonite mere mortal men and Alex Rodriguez is no exception. Both of these two have been around so many blocks that streetwalkers can spot them 5 miles away. Will we hear wedding bells in 2018 and add another body to Jenny’s maneater list?
Confession of the Year: Jay-Z
We all knew why Solange went mental on Jay-Z in that elevator a few years ago, and his confession that he cheated on the Queen Bey was more than a long time a-comin’, but it finally came. We dub her next album ‘Bey’s Rebuttal’.
Verbal Laceration Award – Robin Roberts to Omarosa
When the common man says the phrase, it holds a certain weight, but when Robin Roberts says it, the world stops on its axis. That’s exactly what happened when GMA host Roberts uttered the words (as we sipped our coffee and tea) to none other than newly batted Trumpcoon Omarosa.
“Bye, Felicia” never sounded so sweet and good to the last drop.
The Little Movement That Could: #MeToo Campaign
Towards the end of 2017, it seemed like every other famous man over the age of 35 was being accused of sexual assault. If 2016 was the year of Bill Cosby and his Pudding PopGate, 2017 was the year of Harvey Weinstein and the floodgates he opened up. Others accused by women on both sides of the Atlantic include: Today show host Matt Lauer, actor Kevin Spacey, director Brett Ratner, Dustin Hoffman, hip-hop mogul Russell Simmons, TV journalist Charlie Rose, comedian Louis C.K., actor Danny Masterson, celebrity chef Mario Batali, actor Ed Westwick…